Doing What Makes You Happy Can Be Hard To Do

When you were five, what did you love? Growing up in school we are always told to follow our dreams but how many people really understand what that takes? How many grownups actually believe that to be true? It is a beautiful thought and for many, it is a beautiful fiction to dream about while you go grab coffee for that person that has the dream job you always wanted. Going after your dreams can be tough, scary, heartbreaking and yet it can be an amazing adventure if you let it be.

Growing up, not everyone gets cheerleaders and family and friends supporting them but I have. There have been many different adventures and paths I have gone down. I went to art school, studied fashion design, was a martial arts instructor, published a book, owned multiple women's empowerment businesses, I ran a non-profit focused on education policy, studied clinical psychology in multiculturalism and feminine studies, got my MBA in global leadership, worked remotely, and now I want to teach self-defense online so I can reach and help as many people as possible to prevent them from dealing with what I had to -- these were and are all dreams I have and have had. I have been one of the lucky ones. There have been extreme challenges and roadblocks I have faced. In this technological age, we don't show people the reality. We show people the reality we want them to see, a staged photo, highlights of accomplishments and so on. I never wanted to share my struggles because for me I would think, 'Oh, that's just so personal.' I would also want to focus on the good in my life cause let's face it, who wants to really focus on the bad...despite the fact that we do constantly in society today.

I have dealt with PTSD from years of abuse from multiple partners and colleagues, attempt assaults and completed ones, verbal and emotional abuse, and stalkers. I have grappled with sleep insomnia, temporary disability, being broke for a very long time, and for years, I just kept pushing through it waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. What I didn't realize was there was a light switch, I just needed to switch it on. I mean to say, I had to change my mindset in order to change my reality.  Each one of these challenges has been lessons and changed the course of my current state of being.  

I have had three stalkers, the first set me in motion to find a dojo and learn martial arts. It was my experience in the fashion/retail industry and that dojo that gave me the realization that I wanted to support women and lift them up. I wanted them to learn self-defense in a safe environment, so they could set better boundaries than I did with colleagues, friends, and other instructors in my school. I've wanted women to feel empowered because there were so many times in my life where I just felt so disempowered. Thus, I co-created my first women's empowerment business. However, while in that business, I dealt with two abusive relationships, one at work and one at home, along with a stalker and an attempted sexual assault. To put it plainly, I was a hot mess and was about to explode. I had extreme PTSD with daily anxiety. It's as though I was in fight or flight mode 24/7 and the upswings were few and far between the lows. Between that and the unhealthy relationships, I lost sight of my dream work and worked on surviving. For so many years, that survival had been my reality. It didn't feel right with my first women's empowerment business. I loved the model and supporting middle school and high school girls on self-esteem, body image, and self-defense training but I wasn't walking the talk and I didn't have the right partner who matched my energy despite her admirable qualities. It took leaving that partnership and leaving the state I grew up in to find a new norm. I started graduate school and have been with a partner that has encouraged me to follow my heart. So the past few years have been about that. What would life look like if you could do anything or that one thing you really wanted to do?  Last summer, I had my dream job with an amazing women's empowerment business which had personal and professional development courses, these courses were something I had access to taking and the tools learned are still used today. Unfortunately, the business lost their funding quite abruptly, leaving myself and the other staff out of work. What I learned from that job were some great things though. I learned how to put self-care first without compromise and I gained valuable skills for doing social media and online communications. Also, from the abrupt job loss, on a whim I bought a month of unlimited hot yoga and told myself I would attend every day. Which regardless of if I am in a studio or not, I have kept up yoga every day for the last year. It also brought me to doing something that one should not normally do. I took money out of my 401K and decided to really give my dreams a shot, investing in business groups, better websites, and most importantly ME. I started forming the life I have wanted for years.  For so many years, I have dreamed of having a remote job. What catapulted that want was suffering from plantar fasciitis in both feet and being hit by a car while riding my bike. The foot injury made even crawling to the toilet painful. Then having more remote work became a priority.

So, this last year, I put time and money towards my self-defense business and my social media business. While I would like to say I am rolling in the dow, these have not brought in the money that would allow for ultimate financial freedom. What it has brought me is the freedom of time; time to take care of my body, time to actually listen to my parents while having our phone conversations versus absentmindedly doing other things while talking (...you know I'm not the only one who has ever done that so don't act shocked!), and taking time to cultivate ideas -- to DREAM BIG. A few months ago, I met this amazing and vibrant woman who shared with me her work and asked if I would put together an online self-defense course.  The idea of doing this work full-time feels like an amazing opportunity but I know the work is not done.

I have had way more jobs than many people have in a lifetime, I have dealt with fears, sadness, and pain, I have dealt with epic failures and I say this not for pity purposes but to say, I am happy that those experiences have lead to this time in my life. Jim Carrey had a graduation speech sharing about failure and his father's particularly, explaining why he pursued his comedic dreams. He said some things that really stuck with me:

• "You could spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the pathway to the future, but all there will ever be, is what is happening here and the decisions we make in this moment that are either based in love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it."
• "You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love!"

This is that moment in my life. I honestly don't know how it will go or if I will sell a single course to anyone. What I will say though is that throughout my life I have tried it all -- every wish, dream, and desire. So that no matter what, I can always look back and know I did it, instead of looking back and asking myself the question, with regret in my heart, "What if?" So, for those who have taken the insane amount of time to read this novel of a post here is my message to you, I am not a millionaire but I can honestly say I am happy, it was just hard work to get here and there are days I still don't quite feel like I have arrived. All this to say, those dreams you have, the ones you don't want to mention to others because you don't want to look foolish, they are worth giving it a shot, even if they don't make you rich beyond measure, the experiences; the people you meet and those who support you along the way, the adventures, those have been worth the hardships. Just keep dreaming and put those dreams into action! 

To check out my new online course that will officially be launching later this month, click here: ​Warrior Womyn Training